October 10th, 1976 - Extremely old man runs a marathon for some reason
Thirty-five years ago today, a 98-year-old Greek man named Dimitrion Yordanidis stunned the world by still being alive. And then he stunned the world by running a 26-mile marathon.
Upon completing the race, he thanked his personal trainer and childhood friend, Euripides.
Evidently, this “Marathon Showboat Day” has become an annual tradition; just yesterday, a woman gave birth (to an extremely agitated baby) seven hours after completing the Chicago Marathon.
Clearly all marathon runners have deep-seated emotional problems and crippling cases of low self-esteem. If you see one today, make sure to offer a compliment of some kind - and fill the gaping void in his or her soul.
September 19th, 1959 - Khrushchev denied access to Disneyland
Fifty-two years ago, Soviet premier Nikita Khrushchev visited Los Angeles. After touring film studios and meeting movie stars, including Frank Sinatra and Shirley MacLaine (above), Khrushchev stated that he would very much like to see Disneyland.
Unfortunately, large crowds and security concerns made such a trip impractical, and he was told he could not visit the happiest place on Earth. So Khruschev did what any self-respecting Soviet premier would do and LOST HIS SHIT.
“If you want to go on with the arms race,” Khrushchev said, “very well. We accept that challenge. As for the output of rockets - well, they are on the assembly line. This is a most serious question. It is one of life or death, ladies and gentlemen. One of war and peace.”
Within three years, Khrushchev had missile sites all up in Cuba and could launch a nuclear attack on any corner of the continental United States, including Anaheim, California.
Please remember this story the next time Mahmoud Ahmadinejad wants to ride Space Mountain.
September 12th, 1935 - Howard Hughes breaks flying record
Seventy-six years ago today, Howard Hughes set a new world record for landplane speed at 352.46 miles per hour. In addition to piloting the flight, he also designed the aircraft himself. This successful mission added the title of “world class aviator” to his already impressive resume as a business magnate and influential Hollywood film producer.
In celebration of his historic achievement, Hughes promptly returned home and cracked open his finest jar of his own piss.
HIYOOOOO!
August 22nd, 1941 - Brazil declares war on Germany and Italy
One week ago today marked the 70th anniversary of Brazil’s entrance into World War II, as the largest nation in South America joined the Allied effort by declaring war on Germany and Italy.
Brazil’s Expeditionary Force participated in an eight-month offensive campaign on the Italian peninsula. Historians recognize Brazil’s participation as a crucial turning point in the war because it delivered the ultimate weapon in the struggle against fascism: the Samba.
August 15, 1969 - Woodstock begins
Yesterday marked the 42nd anniversary of the legendary Woodstock music festival in Bethel, New York. With half a million people converging to celebrate peace and enjoy legendary rock icons - like Janis Joplin, The Who, Sly & the Family Stone and Jefferson Airplane - it is widely recognized as one of the most successful and significant concert events of all time.
Then our generation fucked it all up. A knockoff festival called “Woodstock 99” attempted to recreate the magic of the incredible 1960s event by bringing tens of thousands of youths together for an arbitrary gathering of corporate-sponsored fun.
Unfortunately, many of the popular bands of the late 90s sucked, which led to this:
Also, the echoed themes of “peace” and “love” failed to resonate with audiences of the 90s, which gave us this:
Whenever I hear people worried about the future, I think of Woodstock(s) and crack up. Because we’ve been going downhill for a while, baby.
August 8th, 1879 - Alcoholics Anonymous founder born
Today marks the 132nd birthday of Dr. Bob Smith, the American physician and cofounder of Alcoholics Anonymous. Over the last 76 years, the spiritual support and famed “12-Step Program” of Alcoholics Anonymous have helped millions of people overcome their addictions and become healthy and sober.
We salute you, Dr. Bob, for the positive impact you’ve had on millions of lives. Now let’s celebrate!
August 1st, 1981 - MTV airs its first music video
Thirty years ago today, the MTV network was launched. The name “MTV,” an acronym for “music television,” signified the goal of creating a television-based hub for live performances, music news, and concert promotion. The network introduced the concept of mainstream music videos with the strategic premiere of the Buggles’ “Video Killed the Radio Star.”
To commemorate the anniversary this weekend, the network plans to air a new 1-hour special called “Hepatitis Killed the Jersey Shore.”
July 25th, 1966 - George Harrison trades his wife for a song
Forty-five years ago today, Eric Clapton joined George Harrison in the studio to record the lead guitar track for “While My Guitar Gently Weeps” on The Beatles (The White Album).
First of all, the name of this song is clearly misleading. It should be called “While My Friend Eric Clapton’s Guitar Gently Weeps.”
Secondly, let this be a lesson for everyone. If you take advantage of a friend’s willingness to help you out and you don’t give him credit for it, he will write an awesome song and SEDUCE YOUR WIFE.
Happens every time.
July 18th, 1817 - Jane Austen dies (without a husband)
Exactly 194 years ago today, English novelist Jane Austen died at the age of 41 after a prolonged illness thought to be either Addison’s disease or bovine tuberculosis.
Her six novels, including Pride and Prejudice, Emma, and Sense and Sensibility have become literary classics and made her one of the most widely read authors in the English-speaking world. Her books have sold millions of copies in countless languages, and they have had a profound influence on western culture for generations.
But she was never married, so it’s difficult to consider her life successful.
July 11th, 1804 - Aaron Burr shoots Alexander Hamilton in a duel
I’ll say this much for Burr. When he was vice president and wanted to shoot somebody, he at least gave his target the option to shoot back unlike SOME PEOPLE.
